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the girl come undone

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[10 Feb 2007|08:31pm]

[ mood | disillusioned ]

im all alone and pregnant. what combo. the father resents me because i didnt follow the other 2 girls he impregnated to the chopping block. i went once....and will never again so im having his baby without him. i  recently found a new interest that i thought was looking passed my pregnancy (although i am 5 months and its kinda hard now) but cant stick around long enough for me to actually start feeling uncomfortable as i usually do when things are unusually satisfying. so now im vulnerable and falling towards my weakness, it being synthetic and deadly but its been there for me the last 4 years by this time we've fallen in love. it doesnt matter im locked away in my lair on saturday night making love to the death of my baby, does it?

1 weak and insignificant one| why don't you kill me?

Glancing [10 Feb 2007|07:52pm]

[ mood | blah ]

Towards anything to find anything.
I want something worth looking for.
What have i been talking about?
What am i?
Who am i?
Why do i want to be so better than who i am?
Why am i not content.

Questions are killing me.
I'm drowning myself with them.
I need a way to escape.
get out, get away,
say goodbye,

tell me why erica...why do you want to change?

3 weak and insignificant ones| why don't you kill me?

Tattoo Book Responses...Please read [21 Dec 2004|02:18pm]

Someone posted in response to my survey this comment. I am not going to name this person, though if she wants to identify herself she surely can. I am very pleased she commented in this vein, as the criticism I've taken for this survey has been very harsh. The responses I've gotten so far (wel over 200) have been wonderful, but I want to address the criticisms.

She wrote:

well i am very concerned about this survey and what effect it is going to have on the mainstream.... for many year we (modded peeps) have been trying to be accepted in the mainstream, to get better jobs to get better pay to get better services and not be looked down on for our mods...i fear if this book comes out it is going to hurt a lot in our culture/community of body modification....it will set back our struggle for acceptance a century at least....and just what is heavily modified? i think that is in the eye of the beholder/viewer...even tho i am an older educated woman who is 2/3 covered in ink and over 19 piercings...i do not think of myself as "heavily" modified....i never did self harm to my knowledge...and dont look at tattooing or modifyng my body as self harm.... very concerned about the outcome of this book...sure you may help a few women with this book but overALL i think you will be doing a disservice to the community of body modifications...

Please read my lengthy response after the cut, and please respond with your own thought. I am so serious about this project, and I want it to be right. Any help and constructive criticism is welcomed. The only hurtful things that have been said to me have included name-calling and stuff like that, but these things are easily ignored. I will never ignore conscientious criticism Read more...Collapse )
why don't you kill me?

Tattoo/piercing survey for women [19 Dec 2004|02:42am]

x-posted to any community interested in tattoos, piercing, self injury, mental illness (especially deperssion)or suicide girls

First, let me introduce myself. My name is Susan Swan; I'm a
professor of English at Marshall University in Huntington, WV. I am heavily tattooed and am/was a self injurerer. This survey asks very personal questions, so please feel free to backchannel me your answers if you would rather do so; my email is: swans@marshall.edu

Although this survey does specifically ask about self-injury and tattoos, I'm also very interested in other reasons that women get tattooed. So please fill out the survey and tell me your reasons for being tattooed/pierced. at least one chapter of my book will focus on reasons other than self-injury.

http://www.vyvyn.com/melissa-back.html -- Melissa Thompson is my
artist, and she works with Vyvyn Lazonga, one of the very first
female tattoo artists along withy Gypsy Jill and Pat Fish.

Anyway, I"ve been wanting to do research on moderate to heavily tattooed and pierced women
My premise is that many heavily tattooed women were once self-injurers of some type -- that
is, they cut themselves, were addicted to drugs, gambling, spending,
or nicotine, had suicidal thoughts, or caused themselves physical pain
in other ways. My hypothesis is that these women "cure" their
self-injury tendencies by inscribing their body with beauty/pain. The
title of the book will be "From Pain to Beauty: Heavily Tattooed
Women and Inscripted Resistance" or something like that.

For a definition of self-injury followed by the survey, read on: Read more...Collapse )
1 weak and insignificant one| why don't you kill me?

mention this to me - mention something, mention anything... [01 Oct 2004|03:43pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

a writer whos muse was sadness today..Collapse )

1 weak and insignificant one| why don't you kill me?

Still sad [03 Sep 2004|07:50pm]

[ mood | sad ]

I was once a very sad girl. Then I was happy. Now I am a very sad girl again. Feel free to fucking talk to me.

5 weak and insignificant ones| why don't you kill me?

a... b.. c... d... [14 Feb 2004|02:31pm]

[ mood | gloomy ]

I hate it when my parents lie... I know more then they think I know, and I remember more then they know.

e... f... g...
Lately I kept remember this one thing... I'm about 3, and mum's teaching me how to write.
h... i... j... k...
I begin to form the alphabet in my childish handwritting, when suddenly mum's cane come down on the hand I'm writting with.
l... m... n...
I begin to cry. I ask my mother what did I do wrong. She replies it's wrong to write with my left hand.
o... p... q... r... s...
This continues until I learn to write with my right. I still write with my right hand.
t... u... v...
But I'm left sided. I use my left side more then my right.
w... x... y and z...
But I'd forgotten that memory. I just thought I had messy hand writting. But then an old, older friend said something about my left hand... and I remembered. The cane hitting the table. My fingers aching.
Now I know my a-b-c, won't you come and sing along with me?

2 weak and insignificant ones| why don't you kill me?

just wondering.... [01 Feb 2004|10:20pm]

I joined this community just now, right now just to ask if anyone still posts here. I saw that the last post was from December of 2003, so I didn't know if there was just a lull in posts or something.

But I read through some of the older entries, and, maybe I have problems, maybe I just deal with them the wrong way, but some things people said seemed to be pretty close to things that I feel sometimes. I could relate to a lot of the things, and was just basically wondering what this community was all about, because I think it might be something that could help me at times.

So if anyone still posts here, or reads this, I'd like to know.
4 weak and insignificant ones| why don't you kill me?

Something I wrote today.... [02 Dec 2003|01:42pm]

xXxXxXx RazoR RazoR xXxXxXx

In my heart,
I feel the pain.
On my mind,
It hurts again.
In my eyes,
Burning tears.

All these years,
All these fears.
All your lies,
All my cries.

Shattered glass,
Broken spirit.
Bloodstained carpet,
With open veins.

Such a desire,
To feel this pain.

I try and try,
And yet,
I can't cope,
Tourturing myself.

You've seen the scars,
And saw the blade,
Denying it all away.

But I still suffer,
Trapped in this world.
You thought I stopped,
But I'm known to lie.

Scarlet, silky,
Sweet and slick.
My beautifully red blood,
So tempting, want a lick?

If I could, you know I'd stop,
But I need this diseased cure.
It feeds my mind,
While it drains,
My lost soul.

So pale, I am, yet again.
4 weak and insignificant ones| why don't you kill me?

[21 Nov 2003|02:57pm]

What am i suppose to do when everyone i love is just turning their backs on me, slowly but surely? i've never felt so hurt and alone.
why don't you kill me?

[02 Nov 2003|01:32am]

[ mood | blah ]

im a very sad girl:(

why don't you kill me?

[08 Feb 2003|03:57pm]
my mom is utterly pissing me off
if this is a sign of things to come
then i made the wrong fucking choice to have them move in here
she needs to chill
2 weak and insignificant ones| why don't you kill me?

[24 May 2002|10:08pm]
everything is just
why don't you kill me?

[24 May 2002|07:09pm]
i wonder if i have any admirable qualities...

fuck it.

admire me anyway.
12 weak and insignificant ones| why don't you kill me?

oh so sick i am part II [17 Apr 2002|06:39pm]
i had no time to type this in the morning...

this isn't a cry for help.
i could give a good goddamn.
maybe i am not only more 'unstable' but also unworthy...worse...

"i hurt myself today to see if i still feel - i focus on the pain, it's the only thing that's real"

sweet relief.
finding it and cutting it all up
for it a moment it all disappeared
in an instant i remembered everything

and i don't think it's wrong. it's about me.
maybe it is sick but i'm not asking anyone to stop me.

i am who i am.
my logic does not override my emotions. yet i am not ruled by my emotions. although i may get carried away, i do not think it is unhealthy. and i don't make decisons based on such things.
and last night was necessary.
i wanted blood soaked sheets...but it wasn't very deep.
in a few years they'll fade completely

fuck all of you
i am content in my bubble

"yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"
3 weak and insignificant ones| why don't you kill me?

oh so sick i am...more to come in the morning [16 Apr 2002|11:39pm]
first time in a long time...

...i want to hit something out of frustration and pain, rather than pure seething hatred and anger.

it's rare. but it happens.

if i had real walls, and not trailer walls i would...

sweet dreams my ass.
why don't you kill me?

[16 Apr 2002|11:05pm]
it's not that i am unhappy.
it's not that i am unwilling.

right now i am hurt.
right now there a million things that i will never understand.
why don't you kill me?

peculiar not incidental [13 Apr 2002|09:03pm]
i bet no one knows who sings this...

$5 if you do!

i sang it on the way home - as i am without radio - and it came out of nowhere

In the beginning I believed in love and things
It happened like a hurricane
I could never really tell you what this did to me
I could never make it better for you

Thing is
Time was
Part of me used to love you
Part of me still does
This light here
Some become strangers

Did it have to be so easy to live without it
I was hoping to remember you with just a smile
Now the memory of giving you is giving out
Well, I could say that I knew it all the while

Thing is
Time was
Part of me used to love you
Part of me still does
This light here
Some become strangers

Didn't want to be the one to
Say goodbye
In a stranger's eyes
Look how we've changed

I don't really need this in my life
Why don't we forget about it

Thing is
Time was
Part of me used to love you
Part of me still does
This light here
Some become strangers
Let your soul become a stranger

Baby, you're no stranger
You're no stranger
Not that I am
Well, you've become that stranger
And let your soul become a stranger
Well, you're no stranger not that I am
So you do it I think that you should do it
Well you do it

one thought (and i don't even know what it was) brought this along.
okay - so i didn't really sing on the way home...but the lyrics to this song just flowed through my head and it's not like i've heard it recently.
3 weak and insignificant ones| why don't you kill me?

[13 Apr 2002|07:47pm]
cards never sent...
3 weak and insignificant ones| why don't you kill me?

i'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling [09 Apr 2002|12:49am]
shiot! i was gonna go to bed but then i had things to put in here. and then i forgot them all.

i was searcing my friends list for a quiz because i thought there was one floating around with a different ending...but i guess not.

i saw gina tonight. i hate hate hate gina. but anyway...
i forgot what else i was gonna say and that pisses me off.
ummmm...i guess i wanted to save this:

Aries Monday - April 08, 2002 (even though it is now tuesday)

There isn't a moment to waste. Time is moving a lot faster than you think it is, Aries, and there's still so much to be done. (no shit) The unspoken, if it's truly important, should be written in stone before the end of today. Practicality may be disappointing, but it's the only way to get things done. Put your head down and concentrate on the task at hand. Support and assistance are waiting for you, but you have to put your pride aside and ask for it first.

okay. and because i am fighting sleepCollapse )
1 weak and insignificant one| why don't you kill me?

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