I find ghosts in my bathtub, surrounding my colors in some misty gray that I can't rid. I'm sorry I lost the bit of eloquence I once fooled myself into believing I possessed. Words of anything just seem to come to my mouth - whether they drip applesauce or whether they drip blood, depends on how the sunlight hits my face that day. This is something my readers must understand. These words of sadness are not written on stone, but they are written on wisps of clouds that flow and leave within seconds [or stay and give me showers drowning flowers, and ruining lives].
I'm lost in memories, failures, possibilities. My mind is a constant river of flow that I wish i could turn off with some magic button or switch. Just open up a coloring book and forget the world for a day. I feel like a defective model, like i came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me back for repairs before the warranty ran out. [Or return me for a nice shiny car, a new dishawasher..I don't know. My worth doesn't go for much these days, it couldn't stand more than a few price-checks]. I live in a family that hates me more than anything, and it kills me faster than most things [Leave it to me, I remain free from all the comforts of home, And where that is, I'm pleased as piss to say, I'll never really know].
I'm just trying to keep track how far back it really goes
And I'm living in lack of the blood sent from the heavens
I'm just trying to relax as the killer's waiting right outside my door
What's black and white?
What's read all over?
This tired book, this organ donor
Choices made that separate life and love, leaving empty eyes and hands that dare not touch the truth. Dishonest, this selfish pursuit buried deep in a discord of some sort of misguided faith. While not concerned with hearts here we are unfaithful with our words.
I'm very very tired. I honestly feel exhausted, having to pull the weight of all this. It's drowning me, in their negative energies. They don't want me, they don't care. Maybe noone ever did. Noone is to blame for my short-comings or my tears, but myself. In the end, the causes will be unseen, and unaccounted for.
I don't deserve this,
I don't deserve this,
I don't deserve this.
No, I don't deserve this.
I saw an on-coming transport truck full-speed coming my way.
I contemplated throwing myself infront of it.
As it passed me, and I didn't, I felt more disappintment then ever
always thought my family hated me - that they would give nothing more than to see my pale body crushed by some on-coming transport driver that was too busy singing along to his radio to notice the girl on the road. My bones would crush, and they would hear the impact from the kitchen. They would put on an amazing funeral, tons of roses everywhere - cry tears so that it looked like they really gave a fucking damn about the girl they never took the time to get to know.
Fuck my name. Fuck my face. False advertisements. I hate them.
I want someone to give a fucking damn. Live only for me, make me smile at every whim. Show that they are hungry for my love, and desire my happiness as much as I do myself. Sing me alkaline trio, and tell me it's ok - lie to me, I don't care. I don't want to be the fallback plan anymore - I want someone who cares for me deeply enough to wrap a warm ring around my finger, and call me theirs.
I want someone to belong to - I'm tired of pointless adoption procedures of the fucking heart.
Fuck my words. Fuck all these entries that noone gives a shit about anyway.
i mean seriously, who really gives a fuck if my words are all strung together in some poetic structure? who cares if the syllables flow together like rippled water? no one. honestly.
I'm the scrap of memory tossed to the side of the road, that noone bothers to claim.
Just let me break - someone allow me to feel sad for once, without me having to feel guilty about it. It seems like everyone is aching to see me break - well, shine the lights on me, &bang - there you fucking go.
I just don't know who or what this is, why I feel this all of a sudden but I do.
like so many before, my words fall short, they've missed their ending mark, no ribbon for congeniality, no recognition for the almosts or the once was'... i still adore you".
I've lost my head.
Tonight will be a night where I wil finally let out those tears that I've been holding in for months.
I've been holding out for a shoulder - someone to hold me while I cry - but now I know that won't be happening any time soon.
It's as though the gun was pressed to my temple, tears streaming and just at the moment when i started to let go, i pulled the trigger to find it wasn't even loaded.